The Paranoia Game

The following article is under submission. Reproduction in computer file and data bases is permitted for informational purposes only. Copyright (c) 1995 by J. Neil Schulman. All other rights reserved.


by J. Neil Schulman

Are there secret cabals controlling the world? Are seemingly unrelated news events connected in unknown ways? Is everything happening according to an unknown plan which we are powerless to discover?

If you believe any of the above, then you're ready to play ...


The rules are simple. You take a recent news event ... then come up with a bizarre explanation for it. If your explanation involves simple political intrigue, it's worth 5 points. If you can add in an odd twist, that's another 5 points. And if you can make the event dependent on another seemingly unrelated news event, you get the big 25 points.

Note: UFO's, Waco, Ruby Ridge, the Oklahoma City bombing, and anything to do with the JFK assassination are overdone, and aren't a worthy challenge.

Ready? Here are the first five topics:

Topic 1: : The Rabin Assassination:

For 5 points: The Rabin Assassination was due to a plot by Shimon Peres to become Prime Minister of Israel and discredit the conservative Likud Party.

For 10 points: The Rabin Assassination was due to a plot by Handgun Control, Inc., to start a Tel Aviv branch office.

For 25 points: The Rabin Assassination was a direct result of the recent Quebecois vote on secession from Canada.

Topic 2: Colin Powell:

For 5 points: Colin Powell will run for the White House in 1996 to make sure that conservatives are locked out of control of the Republican Party;

For 10 points: After being elected president, Colin Power will reveal his lifelong membership in the Nation of Islam;

For 25 points: Colin Powell is behind the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.

Topic 3: The movie Showgirls:

For 5 points: The critics trashed the movie Showgirls to discredit Paul Verhoeven before he directs his next scheduled picture, Robert A. Heinlein's Starship Troopers;

For 10 points: The "word" went out to critics that they must trash Showgirls solely to teach a lesson to an MGM/UA executive, who welched on his marker in a high-stakes poker game during filming.

For 25 points: Showgirls was produced solely to launder money going to U.N. operatives suppressing anti-federal militia organizations in Nye County, Nevada.

Topic 4: The Million Man March

For 5 points: The Million Man March is the first step in the Crips becoming a national political party;

For 10 points: The water supply at the Million Man March was spiked with a genetically-engineered substance which will alter the DNA of African American so that the next generation of blacks will produce world chess champions;

For 25 points: While a million African American men were safely out of the way in Washington D.C., African American women were in secret training sessions on certain undocumented features of Windows 95.

Topic 5: The War On Drugs

For 5 points: Drugs are illegal in the United States to create an easily manipulated underclass which will riot on the command of the CIA;

For 10 points: The Democratic and Republican parties are controlled by rival drug cartels;

For 25 points: The Federal Reserve System has tied the price of the dollar on world markets to the value of one ounce of cocaine paste since 1914.

Answers must be in the form of an essay.

Scoring: There will be no open scoring, but you will know you have won 5 points if you mysteriously lose your job and your credit rating is destroyed; you've won 10 points if, after being arrested for a warrant on unpaid traffic tickets, you suddenly start hearing voices telling you to kill your co-workers; you've won the 25 point bonus if your death is described in your local newspaper as a freak hunting accident.

Have fun!

Return to Recent Articles by J. Neil Schulman.

HTML by J. Kent Hastings [Artist],,
1354 East Ave. # R-108, Chico, CA 95926. Fax: (916) 893-1525.