When England's Prince Harry wore a Nazi uniform to a costume party a few days ago, he may not have had any idea how appropriate his choice of garb was.

Or maybe he knew quite well what he was doing.

Since that incident it has become clear that Harry has about as much personal freedom of expression as the Nazis granted to Jews, and for pretty much the same reason: he can't choose his ancestors.

You see, Prince Harry is a slave. He was born in a country that regards him as public property. He has no right to speak his mind, practice a religion of his personal choice, pursue a career of his choosing, live where he wants, fall in love with whom he chooses, or even pick his friends. Harry is subject to endless criticism of his every move by a heartless media who pimp him for higher ratings and greater circulation.

Harry's dad is an emotional cripple from having been raised the same way, and his mom died while trying to escape relentless pursuit from those who felt they had unlimited right to exploit her.

His older brother has even less freedom than he has.

His grandma rates his welfare somewhere below that of millions of strangers.

"Oh," you might say. "But Harry's born into privilege. He's rich. He'll never know hunger, or homelessness, or poor medical care." Right. I know pet cats who could make the same claim. They wear collars and live inside locked doors.

What is Prince Harry's crime? He wore a Nazi uniform to a costume party. Well, last time I checked, the Nazis are history. His country fought a war that relegated the Nazis to history because they were totalitarian bastards. If Prince Harry had worn a uniform from Stalin's Soviet Union – or Castro's Cuba, for that matter – would there be this controversy? You bet your red ass there wouldn't be.

Prince Harry understands totalitarianism quite well. He's lived under it his whole life.

Harry, we Americans whooped the ass of your ancestors a couple of centuries ago because we knew what buggers they could be. Tell your family to go shove their money, fly to America, and live as a free man.

You're young, good-looking, and famous, and will probably have your book deal, reality TV show, or three-picture movie deal before you pass through airport customs.

Take the deal, buy a nice spread of land in Montana, put up an high electrified fence, and blast your shotgun over the head of any tabloid photographer who aims a telephoto lens toward your window.

I would if I were you.

J. Neil Schulman
January 13, 2005

Copyright © 2005 by J. Neil Schulman. All rights reserved.

J. Neil Schulman's 1983 screen story All The King's Horses (included in his book Profile in Silver and Other Screenwritings) predicted the divorce of the Prince and Princess of Wales when the tabloids were still writing Cinderella stories about their marriage.